2014. 7 years ago, today. My relationship, my life, and my face changed forever. This was the morning after my face was shattered by the man I loved. I felt like I had no one I could talk to or trust with what had happened. I imagined that everyone would either say “nice of you to only reach out when you need something,” or “you need to call the police and leave him now!” I needed someone that would just love me right where I was without taking an opportunity to make a point or teach me or help me. I see now that I’d been distanced from my friends that didn’t understand the lifestyle we’d lived, and the need and drive to meet those demands in my relationship was so consuming, I didn’t have any energy left for other connections or friendships (basically anything platonic or family). And I was made to feel like no one would understand except him and I was putting us and our little family at risk by speaking up about it. I didn’t tell a soul for years. Opening up about my story was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, because I had to face all those fears and stories I was told and take the chance that people really wouldn’t understand or believe me, and that I’d lose people. But in the end, I only lost one or two “friends,” and not any that are meant to be part of my life anymore. Instead I’ve gained an incredible support system of people who don’t try to fix or help or teach, but just love me right where I’m at. If you’re facing a darkness so vast, it’s eating you up inside, I hope you know that you’re not alone. This WON’T last forever. And there IS life and love again!! You are worth everything it takes to heal and grow in a safe and supportive environment. And in case you haven’t heard it lately - I LOVE YOU. Right where you are. ❤️

That time my abuser threw my (chipped) car key into a field, costing me $300 in towing and re-keying… He did it as punishment for getting upset when he put my phone in the toilet and ruined it. I was a single mom barely making rent and he destroyed my phone, and my car key in one night, to teach me a lesson - to set the standard that I’m not allowed to get upset with him, or face even harsher treatment. This is how they scare us into silence. A decent and caring person that makes a simple drunken mistake apologizes PROFUSELY, makes it right (repaying the costs), and changes the behavior. These types of things were consistent in our relationship. This was just the beginning. ——————————— Please know that someone pushing your boundaries, ignoring the direct harm they caused you, and blaming YOU for it, to “make a point,” even drunkenly (especially), is NOT a healthy person. And a person that justifies their behaviors (“he didn’t mean to” 🤮 ) and stays with them, is also not a healthy person. Stop romanticizing “staying together through it all,” or “he’s lucky he found me because I can take a lot.” KNOW THE RED FLAGS, AND WALK AWAY. #narcissisticabuseawareness #toxicrelationships #codependencyrecovery

Check out my interview with my feminist role model, @hollyrandall!! She has done SO MUCH to put the power of the sex industry back in the hands of the women doing the work! She’s basically my hero. What an honor! #Repost @hollyrandall with @make_repost ・・・ This week’s episode is with @sassysexcoach who was also a guest on my Playboy TV show, Adult Film School! It was fun to reminisce on that experience, plus we dive into the therapeutic purposes of sex work, how she escaped domestic abuse, and so much more. Nicole’s such a brave woman with a really important and inspiring message, I think you’ll all really enjoy this episode! Available on all podcast platforms, and on my YouTube channel this weekend! #hollyrandallunfiltered #adultfilmschool #playboy #playboytv

Men who are looking to date women, I canNOT stress enough to you the importance of making FRIENDS. Guy friends. Girl (platonic) friends. Non-binary friends. MAKE FRIENDS If you’re feeling lonely and can’t seem to find a relationship, PLEASE start with friends. Not the kind of “friend” that you just hope will have sex with you eventually. The kind you can hang out with, call when things are stressful, and HUG. You NEED real, legitimate friends as much as you need sex. I PROMISE #StartWithFriends #GetADamnFriend #MakeFriendsFirst #YouNeedFriends

Unlawful distribution of an intimate image is domestic violence in Utah State Law. #DomesticViolenceAwarenessMonth #domesticviolenceawareness #domesticabuseawareness #narcissisticabusesurvivor #narcissisticabuseawareness #DVAwareness #DVAM2020 #DVAM2021 #supportsurvivors #dvsurvivor #ProtectSurvivors #domesticviolenceprevention #emotionalabuse #financialabuse #legalabuse #abusebyproxy #childabuse #sexualabuse #dvischildabuse #coercivecontrol

#LifeAfterAbuse has been hard in many ways, and glorious in many ways. Financially, it’s been REALLY difficult. My abuser: * Sabotaged any jobs and income-opportunities he could. * Made me deposit anything I did earn into an account in only his name. * Blocked “my” debit card anytime he was mad at me. * Refused to pay any of my student loans, or allow me to pay it with “his money” (my money in his account) - destroying my credit. * Put the mortgage and credit lines all in his name, screwing me out of credit-building, emergency credit access, and home equity. * Spent all the joint tax refunds without consulting me. * Bought me a computer when I complained about him spending the entire tax refund, and then had the judge order me to pay it back. * Forced me to pay his mom back for HIS business loan, but refused to repay my mom for his sex/ alcohol addiction rehab. * Kept MY stimulus money and the money for MY son (not his kid), AND all of our daughter’s, and then forged changes in legal documents to get out of paying me. * Took me back to court FOUR times in the last year for completely bogus reasons so that I’d rack up attorney’s fees. Did I mention he straight up told me (in front of my kids, mind you), that he WANTED ME to be homeless so he could take our daughter from me?!?! I’ve managed to ALWAYS pay my rent, to ALWAYS have food, clothes, and activities for my kids, to ALWAYS have the emotional support we’ve needed, to rebuild my credit despite all the odds, and to make space for giving back to our community and work for change. And right when I thought I was on steady ground, my lease expired and my landlord raised my rent 25%. 😔 Now, I’m grateful that my landlord didn’t raise it more, or just plain terminate altogether. I suspect that’s because the person assigned to me at the rental agency knows my story and how hard I work to keep a roof over our heads - how hard I HAVE TO work to keep a roof over our heads…. because our stability is our #freedom.

My partner took this shot! 🔭 📷: @scott_adams_art

I canNOT with this guy, y’all….. He’s RIDICULOUS. 🙃 He’s the sun to my moon, the yin to my yang, my BLAH BLAH BLAH….. 🤢 🤣 Here’s the real REAL: ☕️

Welp, I’m hooked. 🤿 📸: @scott_adams_art #scubadiver #cozumel #bluemagicscuba #diverforlife #nudibranchlover

Haven’t been posting much. I’ve been so busy having fun and just doing shit that I have a massive backlog of pics and stories to share… In fact, every single thing about me and my life is different than it was just a few months ago. I have a new job, a new car, a new style, a new mindset, new hobbies, and I even eat new foods! I found my self in 2021, my heart, my PEACE! Just call me a PHOENIX because I’m rising out of those ashes! 🔥 🦅 I’ll have to update you later, though, because I’m leaving the country for a WEEK to go scuba diving with my L❤️VE and not doing the social media thing…. See ya later!!

Friends - I have a **FANCY** time share reserved in Vegas I’d like to pass along to a friend. 5-star accommodations for the price of a regular motel! This place is legit! You know you need a vacation… 🌴😉 The ☀️ Grandview at Las Vegas ☀️ resort features: 🏊‍♀️ FIVE heated swimming pools 🤿 Activities pool for kids 🏊 FIVE hot tubs 🤽🏽 Poolside activities 🎁 Deli/ gift shop 🏋🏻‍♀️Fitness center ⛳️ Mini golf 🎮 Arcade/ game room 🌭 Barbeque grills 🖨 Business center The dates are July 10-17, for a one bedroom condo (sleeps 4, can be upgraded to 2 bedrooms), and the price is $750 for the whole week. I’m willing to negotiate on that, too. Just message me if you can make those dates work, and we’ll figure it out. 🙂 💜 This place is ridiculously nice!!!! I really hope someone can use it!! Check it out here: https://vacationvillageresorts.com/grandview_las_vegas/resort_images.html