The Dad

Craft breweries are perfect for when you age out of bars. When bars become too loud and too dark, it’s time to move your drinking to a warehouse with giant Jenga and ample parking.

We have cooking shows with kids cooking but not with kids judging. I would love to watch a kid tell an iron chef that his duck confit is “yucky” and “smells like a barf bucket” then demand a hot dog

Shout out to this man for being a strong father figure who challenged me with hard work and kept me out of trouble during the summer of 1998

I’ve officially reached the stage of DAD where I start to think about parking 24 hours in advance of the actual plans

I came in from mowing the lawn, let out a big sigh as I cracked open a beer, and said “Been working my grass off out there,” and now my family says I’m not allowed back inside

My 7-year-old stopped eating in the middle of dinner and out of nowhere said, “baby animals smell good so their parents don’t kill them” before looking me dead in the eye and farting. Kids are something else, man.

Wife: Honey, the neighbor's house has been toilet papered! Me: The neighbor who mows his lawn at 6:00AM? Wife: Yes Me: The neighbor who put a fence up 5 feet into our property? Wife: Yes Me: The neighbor who yelled at our kids for playing in our yard? Wife: Yes Me: Huh. Weird.

What I tell my kids vs. what I mean: Oh, interesting = You’re still talking, huh? I’ll time you = Please leave me alone for a few precious seconds Do you understand why what you did was wrong? = A little worried you’re a sociopath Maybe = No Maybe later = Extended release no

To all the exhausted new parents out there, it gets better. Then it gets a little worse. Then for a while, things are going to get SO much better. Ok but after that, they’ll be worse than you ever could have imagined. But then, after THAT, a little worse actually

No grill tongs?? Must be the difference between “guys” and “men”

Forget astrology. The tagline of the #1 movie at the box office the day you were born, that determines your fate from now on

I’m not crying. You’re crying. Shut up.