Thirty AF

My elementary art classroom had one of these on the counter and, recognizing the looming disaster that comes with placing one of these in a room filled with 25+ six year olds, Mrs. Svoboda took it upon herself to draw a little sign with the word DANGER and, underneath, an outline of a hand with a severed finger sitting in a large pool of blood. It did the trick and I have never once touched one. Scissors will do the trick tysm.

In another dimension I’m the owner of a successful small chain of soup restaurants that have a name with some pun involving “SOUPER!” and I just know that THAT me is the happiest one ❤️

I have embraced the geriatric in my geriatric millennial and have discovered that a 4:45 dinner time is ideal. The restaurants are basically empty apart from a few members of the 80+ crowd, parents with toddlers (who somehow manage to get seated, order, eat and pay in like 17 mins tops), and ✨me✨. You can choose the best seat in the house and get home in time to digest and then fully enjoy a bowl of cereal before bed.

Err’body in da club gettin’ sleepy *growl whispers* Err’body in da club gettin’ sleepy

The entirety of my cardio comes from situations where I tell myself there aren’t any monsters while I’m bringing out the garbage but running as fast as I possibly can back inside ✨just in case✨

Sugar is now available for adoption from @koreanpawsrescue (not on Threads yet! Check out their Ig 😘)

Throwback to my 2020 virtual office holiday party that began with the announcement that we wouldn’t be getting bonuses and then 6 members of the senior leadership team proceeded to *checks notes* ACT OUT AN ENTIRE FRIENDS EPISODE with each one taking on the role of a Friends character as the 500+ people on the call had to sit on and watch. During the full half hour reenactment, no fewer than three coworkers sent me a screenshot of a pure look of disdain on my face in my little zoom window.

Today’s single and friend of the day is @foodienellie ! Sensing a romantic connection? Looking for a friend? DM Chanel!

Butterfly in the sky, I can go twice as hiiiiiighhhh. Take a look, it's in a book, A Reading Rainbooooow!

I want to be the cool 35 year old who still goes to concerts but then I see that it STARTS at 8:30 and has two opening acts and doesn’t have seats and the cheapest tickets are like $370 after service fees and the area around the venue looks like I’ll probably have to parallel park and my bed is just SOFA KING comfortable so………

Today’s single and friend of the day is @jonathanmjames - looking for a friend? Sensing a romancing connection? Slide into their DMs! ❤️ (happy early birthday Jonathan!)

"rodents before brodents" I whisper to myself before swiping left on Prince Charming and investing quality time with the mice who help me do my laundry