It’s finally happened. The Betoota Advocate has a TV show. Streaming on @paramountplusau from June 14!

WE ARE NOT ENEMIES: A former security guard at Betoota Heights Stockland revealed to The Advocate that he frequently witnessed people shoplifting from the supermarket. However, he admitted to turning a blind eye due to his personal convictions. He believes that both Coles and Woolworths mistreat farmers and customers alike. One particular incident stands out in the man’s memory, which occurred shortly before he was let go and then offered his job back on a casual contract. “A man walked in, appearing as though he had just leaped out of a moving car ten minutes earlier,” he recounted. “Typically, such behavior would trigger increased scrutiny, as per our training. We were taught to be watchful of anyone who doesn’t seem familiar with the Wallabies’ starting backline. The assumption is that such individuals might attempt shoplifting,” he explained. “This man proceeded to fill his bag with an assortment of items – apples, pears, meat, and various ready-to-eat foods. Eventually, he made his way to the self-checkout, where he purchased a pack of gum using coins. After receiving his receipt, he left the premises. As our eyes met, I could sense his internal struggle – debating whether to abandon the bag and escape or remain seated, awaiting law enforcement. And I’m not referring to the standard police officers; I mean the ones in boiler suits, ready to use force. They often provoke confrontation, waiting for an excuse to deploy their telescopic batons and resort to physical measures.” “Having broken eye contact, I moved to the opposite side of the entrance. When I turned back, he had vanished. Interestingly, his theft involved not cigarettes or alcohol, but approximately 40 packets of chicken chips, assorted fruits, and a can of Rockstar energy drink. I can’t help but applaud his audacity.” “When they attempted to manipulate me with that contract proposal, I felt justified in my actions. Coles and Woolworths rake in exorbitant profits while bullying producers and customers. Under these circumstances, stealing from them seems almost ethical. Those who obstruct a petty thief’s path toward a billion-dollar corporation are the real fools.”

QUITE A SHOW: A woman who reckons her boyfriend has ‘never heard her fart’ in the four years they’ve been together, is revealed to do quite a lot of the one cheek squeak in her sleep, which would mortify her if she ever found out the truth. The woman in question, Addison Donahue , says that ‘maintaining the mystery’ has been crucial to the success of their healthy sex life, stating that she won’t even let her boyfriend Harry brush his teeth while she’s having a pee, However according to Harry, Addison has not only farted in front of him plenty of times, but delivered some absolute stinkers. He tells us more. “She must be holding them in all day”, he explains, “because once she’s asleep, it’s like she just starts deflating.” “It’s not just one, but a succession of farts. It begins to take on an almost musical quality.” “An anal orchestra.” When asked if he plans on ever revealing this to Addison, Harry just shakes his head and says laughs. “Nah.” “I couldn’t be that mean.” More to come.

WOMEN ARE MATES, MATES ARE WOMEN: The Australian women’s rugby union team has criticised the code’s governing body this week after they treated the “wives and girlfriends” of the Wallabies World Cup Squad to a weekend in Sydney to farewell the boys before they headed off the France in the front of a Qantas jet. Known as the Wallaroos, the national women’s rugby team receives a tiny fraction of funding from Rugby Australia compared to the men’s team. Claims that the cost of the Wallabies’ outdoor gym would be enough to cover the women’s team for a whole year have been levelled at Rugby Australia’s boss Hamish. The complaints against Rugby Australia were made in the form of an open letter, which nearly every Wallaroos player then shared on. It’s been met with a pensive response from Hamish, who told the media today that rugby would be nothing without women. “Women are a pillar of rugby union,” he told reporters at the code’s headquarters on Sydney’s Lower East Side. “They give birth to Wallabies. They give birth to support staff that help the Wallabies be the best versions of themselves. Every coach has a mother. It’s a common misconception that a lot of private school students are from wealthy backgrounds. In some private school families, the woman also works to contribute money towards school fees. It’s actually quite common. Without women working in those families, their meathead sons would end up playing rugby league or no sport at all,” “We don’t take women for granted here at Rugby Australia. I have a dream that one day, we will see a Matilda-level frenzy on the, uh, the, uh, the Wallabettes? Anyway, it’s all in development and we’re working with stakeholders to continue to push the paradigm on this problem to create more quixotic outcomes for that section of our species. Thanks.” Hamish didn’t take any more questions. More to come.

GET THE HINT MATE: After months of waiting for a response, a man in his mid-20s has finally given up on the conversation he’d been having with himself on a woman’s DM. It was around 1am when Brad assumed it would be a good idea to slide into a potential love interest’s DMs with a line he claims never fails ‘hey, you up?’. The alleged conversation, which began in the early hours of January 5th, was a product of a couple of cheeky’s at his local pub. To Brad’s surprise, the following day brought no response. Brad took this as an opportunity to circle back to the conversation with a ‘how was your night last night?’, which sadly fell on deaf ears with the potential suitress viewing this message and notably leaving him on read. “She’s just playing hard to get” Brad thought to himself, “I like a challenge”. Forging ahead, he fired another shot with a riveting question, “hey, what did you get up to this weekend?” After months of heated conversation with himself, it suddenly dawned on Brad, that the woman might not be keen. In a play to avoid brusing his ego, Brad made the mature decision to unfollow her, but this wasn’t without one last attempt at redemption. “I’ll be in your area on Monday, let me know if you’re around?” Radio silence prevailed and, Brad decided it was time to sever the digital ties that bound them. He unsent his messages and politely blocked her. Brad is one of many helpless victims who have fallen prey to the cruel dance of DM disinterest. His tale serves as a cautionary reminder that sometimes, even in the vast ocean of social media, one can find themselves drowning in a virtual Shakespearian monologue.

MAKES A DINGO LOOK LIKE A DACHSHUND: A recent poll has shown that the overwhelming majority of real Tasmanians don’t want to bring back the thylacine from extinction; the polar opposite of sentiment on the mainland. The thought of reviving the land-based apex predator is surprisingly unpopular with people who have to live on the island according to locals who have spoke to The Advocate this morning via wired telephone. Our reporter spoke to Bothwell primary producer Wavell Anderson, who said it was Tasmanian squatters like him and his ancestors who got rid of the thing in the first place. “If you had thylacine running about, you’d be losing more than just lambs, I’ll tell you that much for free,” he said. “They used to get a lot bigger than the last couple that died in a zoo. Could you imagine having a giant dog lurking around at night, sneaking up on you? A pack of them could take down a Hereford steer! No longer could you comfortably walk from from the pub at night. You couldn’t just get a gut ful of Cascade, or Boags if you’re one of those mainland sympathisers in the North, and walk home at night without having the fear of being torn apart by thylacines,” “Honestly, we’d have or Jacqui [Lambie] down here in 30 seconds telling us she’s not worrying about gay marriage because every three months, someone is torn to bits by a thylacine. I’m sorry, it’s a romantic idea but no thanks. If those mouthbreathers on the mainland want them, they can have them.” The Advocate reached out to a number of Melbourne, Sydney and Brisbane based tree-changing professionals who are using their wealth to tear apart Tasmanian society with their obscene wealth for comment but have yet to receive a reply. More to come.

OUR FAVOURITE BIRD: Australia’s peak scientific body has issued a warning this morning of the dangers of the rapidly increasing numbers of videos surfacing online of people being swooped by errant magpies. At a Canberra press conference this morning, a CSIRO spokesperson explained that the sheer volume of videos and the popularity of the magpie meme threaten to break the nation’s already fragile internet. “If there’s one thing that gets everyday Australian’s mashing that share button it’s a video of someone getting swooped by a magpie,” they said. “So much so, we’ve raised concerns with the Communications Minister this morning about the potential of Australia’s internet breaking under the strain,” “We ask all Australians to please first consider whether your magpie-related content it worth uploading – and if it is, please do it responsibly.” Closer to home, Oliver Gaite of Betoota Grove recently uploaded a video to Instagram of him being attacked briefly by the infamous Roberts Road magpie. He uploaded it on Monday and since then, it’s clocked up almost a hundred views and dozens of likes ‘n’ comments. Speaking exclusively to The Advocate this morning, Oliver said he felt his video was unique enough to warrant being uploaded. “I know it’s that time of year when every youth-orientated journalist is expected to write about magpies and how they swoop – like this is the first springtime it’s happened,” he said. “But what makes my magpie-related content different is that I just got my haircut and I was wearing my favourite raincoat so I needed to tell people about that. So I put it up on my story!” “So scary. If only my stepdad was still around, he had a 410 that would turn that pesky bugger inside out!” More to come.

“Mate, all this is good, but if you really wanna get traps that’ll grow over your ears I can get you some “other stuff” if you’re interested?”

According to a head researcher Lauren McKinley, women no longer have to rely on just wedding rings or social media to deduce a bloke’s relationship status – they simply need to see what type of dog he has. “If the dog looks as though it’s from a shelter, there’s a high chance the bloke is single”, says McKinley, “but if the dog looks as though it costs a month’s worth of wages?” “He’s either got a girlfriend, engaged or wifed up.” “If he’s got a Poodle hybrid, sausage dog or Frenchie, just don’t fucking bother.”

WHAT A TIME: A Betoota Ponds man has found himself reminiscing today, after hearing that his favourite show, Futurama has returned with a new season on Disney Plus. Gary Tubbman tells our reporter that the news prompted him to randomly think back to that perfect time in 2011, when you could watch back to back Futurama and Simpsons episodes as part of the glory days of free to air tele. “It was a great time”, says Gary, smiling wistfully, “being a teenager with no responsibilities.” “And watching back to back cartoons in your room.” “I haven’t reached that level of happiness ever again.” Stating that not only were there two episodes of Futurama and the Simpsons every night from 7:30 to 8:30, but also four episodes on Wednesday nights. “And then you had back to back Family Guy and American Dad episodes 8:30 to 9:30, followed by My Name Is Earl and Scrubs.” “I can’t stress how much of a game changer this was.” Letting out a chuckle, Gary says even though he doesn’t really watch free to air anymore, he still gets his Futurama fix watching Disney Plus, and says he’s been ‘absolutely loving the new season.’ “It’s like it never left.” “They’ve already brought back the stabbing robot and the Robot Devil.” “If they can just bring back Seymour the dog, that’d be perfect.” More to come. #ad

COFFEE WITH MILK THAT BUBBLES! A 19-year-old Tasmanian girl has held court for days with her vast litter of exotic and exciting fables, upon returning home to her family’s village on the Western cape of the Apple Isle after a year abroad. Aside from several trips to Hobart for the arrival of the yachts, Corinna Strathgordon had never left her family home of Strahan before her most recent Gap Year on the mainland. Her detailed stories of traffic lights and pasta meals have made her the centre of attention, as the town’s children gather around the aspiring candlemaker and quiz her about life in the land across the Strait. “They have these things called motorbikes. It’s a lot like the two-wheel-cycle that Arthur rides” she says. “But on the mainland, it runs on petrol. Like the generator down at the theatre – you don’t even need to push with your feet” The children let out gasps of disbelief as Corinna tells them about the mystical ‘eye of Brisbane’ ferris wheel in the Queensland cultural precinct. “You can see the whole city from the top” she says. “It’s as tall as twenty sailing clubs” “Brisbane was as far north as I travelled. It was 22 hours on a bus from Melbourne – at the bottom of the Queen’s land” While watching her from afar, Corinna’s father’s eyes begin to well up, as he hears about his darling’s year spent backpacking and working in the city coffee dispensaries. He interrupts and insists she tells the town’s mayor her experiences in the northern hospitality industry, as a bigger crowd gathers around. “They are called cafes, daaad” she says with an embarrassed tone. Her father sits back in awe as his little girl shows off her newfound worldliness. “She’s in good stead to begin a family of her own” says the 6th-generation timber-lopper. “She’s the first Strathgordon to see the MCG”

I’M BORED, ASK ME ANYTHING: the local Influencer suggested to her micro following on Instagram Stories last Friday night. In a creative struggle to come up with fresh and exciting content, Jenna Malvin (27) a local influencer/content creator/CEO/marketing specialist resorted to asking herself questions on her own Instagram Q&A series. This came as no surprise to her followers, with this being her third Q&A series this week. In a desperate attempt to think outside the box, she dove headfirst into submitting the hard hitting questions she believes have been plaguing the minds of her loyal followers: “What is your diet and exercise routine like?” she inquired. “OMG, IDK WHY I GET ASKED THIS ALL THE TIME” she dramatically exclaimed to herself in all caps, knowing that her followers haven’t been incessantly hounding her for the secret to her perfect body. Story viewers braced themselves for a lengthy breakdown of her morning ritual that followed. “I start every day with a glass of apple cider vinegar, lemon tea and pilates.” This was followed by the burning question she knows hasn’t been on everyone’s minds: “Are you going to Europe this year?” Without 15 seconds to spare, she responded “Of course! I have a wedding in Italy in July, click the link below to shop my Europe 23 looks.” In a world full of intellectual debates, scientific breakthroughs, and societal progress, it’s truly inspiring to witness this local influencer’s unwavering commitment to providing answers to questions nobody asked. Perhaps one day, Jenna will unlock the secret to solving world hunger or achieving world peace by asking herself questions about her favourite colour in the Bottega Jodie bag collection (Parakeet, obviously). Till then, her followers await with baited breath the groundbreaking revelations she will uncover from the depths of her own imagination.