NOBODY IN NEW YORK CITY HAS BEEN ABLE TO GET A MANICURE FOR MONTHS AND CUTICLES ARE LOOKING TRASHHH (some of you have been sneaking nail techs into your homes and we 👀 you) SO ME AND @drinkbabe DECIDED TO CREATE A SOCIALLY DISTANCED ‘RONA-FREE MANI TRUCK, IT’S LIKE A GLORY HOLE FOR YOUR HANDS. IT COSTS $0, FIND US SOON IN CITIES ACROSS AMERICA (not in Florida, get your fucking shit together). PEDI TRUCK COMING SOON, I CAN ONLY IMAGINE WHAT YOU PEOPLE’S FEET LOOK LIKE. YIKES.

ABOUT TO BE BANGING ON A FRYING PAN OUT MY WINDOW FOR ESSENTIAL WORKERS WHILE SCREAMING AT NYPD TO SUCK MY CASHEW SIZED JEWISH BABY PENIS. 2020 IS FUCKING WILD, FOLKS.

FLORIDA AT LEAST HAS TAMPA, THE HOME OF JACUZZIS, BUSCH GARDENS, AND ROCK HARD BREAST IMPLANTS, WEST VIRGINIA CAN FUCK RIGHT OFF. (@drtitty43)

ALL HE NEEDS IS A COCK RING, AN ATV, AND A RAGING CRYSTAL METH ADDICTION!

YOU WOULD BE LIKE “PLEASE GET AWAY FROM ME CRACKHEAD” AND HAND THEM A DOLLAR (@mattbilinsky)

I HAVE SPENT ROUGHLY 40% OF THE QUARANTINE SNACKING WHILE STANDING UP AND LOOKING AT MEMES INVOLVING A CERTAIN TREMENDOUS BLACK DICK (@safewordtaken)

LOOK AT IT THIS WAY, AT LEAST NOW YOUR LOVE OF DRINKING ALONE IS SAVING LIVES. LAST WEEK EVERYONE WAS CONCERNED, THIS WEEK YOU’RE A HERO! (@gripless)

DAY 2: ALREADY ATE ALL MY SNACKS, AM NOW FOR SOME REASON LOOKING AT THE INSTAGRAM OF A GIRL NAMED JESSICA WHO I GOT A DRY HANDJOB FROM AT JEWISH SUMMER CAMP IN THE YEAR 2000. BOUGHT A BOOK, MIGHT PRETEND TO READ IT. (@tank.sinatra)

LET’S NOT CALL IT “QUARANTINE” LET’S CALL IT “GOVERNMENT MANDATED CUFFING SEASON”

QUICK REMINDER THAT ANY TIME YOU TOUCH A MAN’S HAND YOU ARE TOUCHING HIS ACTUAL PENIS BECAUSE WE PLAY WITH OUR JENNIES NONSTOP (Jennies = genitalia)