Waking up to sounds of nature instead of an alarm can result in a more energizing start to your day and help induce wakefulness quickly and naturally. For instance, this morning at 5:30 I was awakened by the organic sound of my dog throwing up in the bed

There’s me thinking I’m going to look elegant in this delicate white lace lingerie, and then there’s the Pusstols™️ thinking “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ...no”

My high school had a “finger-tip length or longer” dress code. As one could imagine, I ranked up to Prestige Master 🌟of the “just the fingertip” technique. I was 17 showing up to class in skirts about like this 🥴 Anyway, I would now like to issue a formal apology to all male faculty members and staff of WHS. A huge apology. Like an Edible Arrangement-level apology. “I am so sorry I dressed like a hoe when underage, here is some cantaloupe”

E.T.: “E.T. phone home” 👆 Siri: Ok. Calling Hoe... 📞

🛬 On behalf of American E-thot Airlines, we’d like to be the first to welcome you to scrolling Instagram on your couch in sweatpants. We know you have options when you fly, so we’d like to thank you for choosing Probably-Not-A-Virgin Atlantic. ✈️ Please use caution when opening underpants bins, as items may have shifted during the viewing of this photo. 🧳

Dudes be like: “I’d love to rip that lingerie right off you” 😈 What it’s actually like: “Ladies and gentlemen, the captain has turned off the fasten kink belt sign, indicating you are now free to sit there and wait for 25 minutes while I undo all these buckles because this shit is expensive”

Elizabeth Bathottery

Hypomanic me: “I’m gonna buy boots and do an outdoor naturey/western pic! :)” *3-5 business days of shipping and mood swinging later* Normal/exhausted-for-no-reason me: “best I can do is stand near the saloon lookin ass doors to the laundry room and slap a sepia filter on the pic”

Boobs, not coups 💜

POV: it’s our wedding night. You find me waiting for you in the honeymoon suite like this. I slowly approach Kiss your neck Nibble your ear and bellow, “I’M SORRY MISS JACKSON, 𝒐𝒐𝒐𝒐𝒐𝒐𝒐𝒐” And if you fail to reply “I AM FO REEEEAL” I am filing for annulment, you have failed the spouse captcha.

Avg tiddy goth gf