One time I took acid in the Hamptons with a bunch of idiot celebs and freaked out and thought all my fingers had turned into tiny dicks and then had to console Jeremy Piven, who was wearing a fedora and openly weeping. I HAD A BAD TIME 0/10 WOULD NOT RETURN

HEIDI KLUM AS A WORM FOR HALLOWEEN IS BEAUTIFUL AND POWERFUL AND COULD HEAL THIS NATION, BUT ALSO WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK AND DID SHE NOT PEE FOR AN ENTIRE NIGHT AND ALSO THIS IS THE REAL LIFE VERSION OF “WOULD YOU STILL LOVE ME IF I WAS A WORM?”

WAIT, I THOUGHT THEY SAID THE QUEEN WAS DEAD. (Needed more info on this fucking legend and finally got some, from her niece: Smokes Marlboro menthol 100’s, favorite movie is Analyze THAT, “hardcore rollerblader”, claims she had sex with Bill Pullman in 1985, happy place is Reno. Love you Char)

SOUNDS LIKE A DEAF GUY EJACULATING!

THIS REMINDS ME OF HOW I USED TO CHOOSE WHICH INTERNS TO HIRE BY MAKING THEM JOUST WITH GIGANTIC VEINEY DILDOS

THE MOST AMERICA SHIT EVER OF ALL TIME IS TO LIGHT FIREWORKS DIRECTLY INTO YOUR CAR WHILE THE CAR IS FILLED WITH OTHER FIREWORKS. 🦅 🍔 🇺🇸 (twitter/ @new_orleansjazz)

Forget all the obvious reasons why decrepit old men who jizz actual dust (and Amy Coney Barrett, who’s vagina is a chainsaw with teeth) shouldn’t be making laws that control women’s bodies, without abortion there would be like 3-4 of my demon spawn running around AND I THINK AS A NATION WE CAN ALL AGREE THAT NOBODY NEEDS ME PROCREATING.

May we all have the confidence of a mediocre white man after one margarita

Whenever I imagine what’s going on in Australia it’s mostly shitty avocado toast “brekkie,” shirtless fuckboys with dicklines who love EDM and buy $300 grams of coke, but also must remember that people are getting the shit kicked out of them by kangaroos.

MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND LET’S FUCKING GO TIME TO MAKE TERRIBLE DECISIONS ON DRUGS AND ALCOHOL (or sit in your house doomscrolling instagram simultaneously wanting to be left alone forever but also getting invited to/ attending every event)

REMEMBER KIDS: STAY IN DRUGS, DON’T DO SCHOOL

Shoutout all the moms getting absolutely schmacked on buttery Chardonnay today and shoutout to all the guys they deepthroated in their prime that you’ll never know about!